For the last few years—since my last marriage started falling apart completely—I have been in relationships with a few women.
For some definition of 'few' that is between six and a dozen.
Difficult Conversations
You might have the impression from my essay on fears that I embrace the things that scare me most in relationships. I try to. It saves me so much grief down the road.
I do my best to tackle the difficult conversations as soon as I am sure I probably need to. For instance, there are the conversations with people who are crushing on me where I tell them "you're nice" and "I don't think it would be a good idea," "I don't feel the same way," or "I'm not into guys." Those are pretty routine at this point (it's hard to believe that a few years ago I had no experience with turning anyone down).
Other times the outcome matters more. I really want them to still like me and continue in whatever relationship we have—or move on to bigger and better things with me. Maybe I'm asking someone to move in with me, or to start a relationship, or talking about concerns in a relationship. Maybe I'm telling her that I react by feeling hurt by what she's doing and we need to talk about what's going on. The point is, these are the conversations that grow relationships. These are the ones that allow it to keep going as a healthy relationship and not a spiral of misunderstandings and fears. Without the important, difficult conversations—and regular check-ins—it's hard to gauge how a relationship is going—even if the sex is amazing.
I run to the big, bad, scary conversations because that's the only way to keep going toward the wonderful ones.
Jealousy
Today I had a brief jealousy flail.
It happens to all of us. Someone we want to spend time with makes other plans. For me, it happens most when I expect to have time with one of my girlfriends and she's not available.
Fears
Sometimes our relationships are shaped by fears. Sometimes it's the fear of abandonment or the fear of not being able to have what you really want. Yesterday was a bad day for my fears.
So You've Found the Perfect™ Girl
But they can't stand around like their hetero kin
simply waiting for somebody else to begin.
And so my advice to gay sheep as they graze:
to woo lesbian ewes, use less motionless ways.
from: “The Problem of Lesbian Sheep” by Howard A. Landman
You’ve found someone shiny to go out with on a date, but you haven’t asked her. You’re crushing, hard. Maybe you’re thinking about the wedding. Maybe you want to have her gaybies. Maybe you’re thinking about sex. Maybe she’s giving you potentially meaningful glances from across the bar (or gluten-free-whole-food-vegan cafe). It doesn’t matter.
Becoming Dominant (part 1): the decision
I woke up one day and decided that I wanted to top. It was easy really.
Polyamorous Introvert
One of the biggest challenges in polyamory is scheduling. I made a joke a while back that sex only happens if you put it in google calendar a week in advance. (In case you're wondering, that's not true. Sleep doesn't happen, because I choose sex over sleep, every time.)
Successful Relationships
When I talk about polyamory, I often get told something along the lines of "that's fine in theory, but it's too unstable. There's no way to have a successful relationship like that."
Let's leave aside the many people who do have long term polyamorous relationships. They exist, but as far as I can tell that's beside the point. Let's talk instead about what a successful relationship is.
Not every relationship needs to follow the happily-ever-after paradigm. Getting married is not the end goal of every relationship. That doesn't mean that those relationships that end at some point are less successful. My most successful relationships have been ones which only lasted a few months or a few years. We communicated, we shared our time and our selves, and we loved without reservation. To me, that's success.
I don't need every relationship to end in a co-mingling of households. I don't want to live with everyone I fall in love with. I can appreciate them for who they are, for how we interact, and for how they love me. In many ways that's easier when we know there isn't going to be a white picket fence at the end.
All of that comes with communication, shared understanding, love, and empathy. That is what makes a successful relationship, not necessarily years or shared living space.
Distance and Polyamory: the good days
I'm not a fan of distance relationships, though I do find myself in them (it's not my fault that all of my favorite people live in fucking Narnia).
That said, I had an amazing day yesterday. I didn't leave my house, but I got to spend time talking with both of my girlfriends on the phone and over text.
It was one of those days where I got to appreciate all that is right with my relationships. I got to spend happy alone time with each of them, laughing and loving, being and enjoying. I was able to say to one, "hey, Lion wants to talk to me, I miss her and really want to talk to her. Would you mind if I went away now?" And everything was fine and happy.
These are the good days.
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