Fears

Sometimes our relationships are shaped by fears. Sometimes it's the fear of abandonment or the fear of not being able to have what you really want. Yesterday was a bad day for my fears.

I'm in three relationships. One is easy and wonderful, and I will never get what I want out of it—so it is always going to be tinged with sadness, even as I appreciate what I do get out of it (which is significant). There is no disappointment to fear because there is no hope for more—we have already maxed out the emotional connection and have plans to see each other as often as we can (which isn't all that often).

In my second, much newer, relationship there is great potential, and that's where the fear comes in. At every turn since we started talking, I've found that I want more than was offered (at least explicitly). First, the jump from flirty friendship to being in a relationship. Then it was realizing that I might actually want to have her with me as often as possible. That brought up the fear of that not being something she wants, of that not matching with her plans and her own future. It's a fear of disappointment, of heartbreak.

In my third relationship it's the fear of the unknown. We've only been together for a week. It's the fear of not being enough, of not being who she wants. That, of course, only goes away with time.

You can probably tell that I get emotionally invested early on. I am okay with this even though it opens me up to heartbreak. That's the realization that helped bring be back to reality (along with talking to everyone involved, of course). The reality of the situation is that relationships involve risk. There is no way around that. For me, the potential is worth the risk of being hurt.