So You've Found the Perfect™ Girl

But they can't stand around like their hetero kin
simply waiting for somebody else to begin.
And so my advice to gay sheep as they graze:
to woo lesbian ewes, use less motionless ways.
from: “The Problem of Lesbian Sheep” by Howard A. Landman

You’ve found someone shiny to go out with on a date, but you haven’t asked her. You’re crushing, hard. Maybe you’re thinking about the wedding. Maybe you want to have her gaybies. Maybe you’re thinking about sex. Maybe she’s giving you potentially meaningful glances from across the bar (or gluten-free-whole-food-vegan cafe). It doesn’t matter.

Maybe you barely know her, or maybe you hang out all the time or text until 4am every night. Maybe you snuggle during movies and share awkward moments while you’re staring at her lips (and she’s looking down your shirt—though if that’s happening, just kiss her) but you aren’t sure if you’re on dates. It doesn’t matter.

Take a minute to breathe that in. It really won’t matter because nothing will happen if no one ever actually says the words. I don’t mean you can’t just kiss her and see what happens. You can. It might even work out. But if you want a relationship with her you’ll still have to process the heck out of that later.

It doesn’t matter if you’re destined to be hers forever (if you believe in that sort of thing) or if you know that you are her True Love™ (if you believe in that sort of thing). Whether or not she’s wearing a tinfoil hat, you can’t read her mind. And she certainly can’t read yours.

Someone has to make the first move. Don’t bet that she will, even if she’s just as interested as you are.

Is she worth trying with? Probably, unless you prefer the intense discomfort of crushing on her with no result. The worst case scenario of asking her out on a date is that she’s flattered but not interested—and you get to go on with your life. The best case… well, you’ve already been imagining the best case, haven’t you?

So how do you do it? (I’m going to assume you’re doing this in person.)

Prepare yourself physically. Go to the ladies room and make sure you don’t look embarrassing (the last thing you need to be worrying about while you’re talking is whether your fauxhawk fell the wrong way). Do what you need to do to be as attractive (to your own standards, not hers) as you can be. You want to present yourself as comfortably and confidently as possible, and that extra check will help.

Prepare yourself emotionally. She might say no. It’s a real possibility. But if she does, that just means you dodged a bullet. After all, do you want to be wasting even another minute thinking about dating someone who’s not interested in you? (Sure, you might still think about her. It happens. Moving on is a skill, but it’s one that is well worth learning, in my experience.) She might be in a monogamous relationship—and that should put you in the same place as “not interested,” for everyone’s sake (trust me). Worse, she might be straight. You will find out one or all of these if you ask. Otherwise you’ll end up going home and tossing and turning while you plan your one bedroom cottage and its white picket fence.

The outcome doesn’t matter, you win either way. You’ll be fine. If she’s not interested, just back off. If she wants to be friends, be friends—but only if you can manage to not drool all over her while you’re doing it. Queer girls like to be friends with other queer girls (shocking, I know). It happens. Don’t scam her by asking her out as friends and then changing what it is you are doing while you’re out (though I would suggest that if you are out with a friend it’s perfectly reasonable to ask if she wants to go out on a date at another time… but that might just be the relationships I have with my friends).

Okay, you’re going to ask her out. Great! How do you do it? Hopefully, amazingly well. Confidence is important. If you’re not feeling confident, fake it—but don’t worry about it. Don’t worry about the outcome, you can’t control that. Just realize that there is no harm in asking.

The most important thing is clear communication. Tell her why you’ve been thinking about her, it doesn’t matter what so long as it’s truthful. Tell her you think she’s hot. Tell her you love the way she sings. Tell her she has nice tits (it can work. really). Tell her about her smile or laugh. Whatever it is, tell her. Then ask her if she’d like to go out on a date. Use the word date or she won’t know necessarily that it is one. She might wonder and be confused, and feelings will get hurt. (Unless you’re asking for sex, in which case ask for sex and realize there’s a much greater chance of being turned down.)

How have I done it? I say something along the lines of “I think you’re really great and I would love to get to know you better. No pressure, but I would love to take you out on a date some time. What do you think about getting together for coffee (or tea or dancing naked around a bonfire)?” I use “no pressure” and “dancing naked around a bonfire” because that’s how I talk. You should probably say it your own way. Most importantly, smile and have fun. It’s not the end of the world, most of the time you’ll get a date.

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