Becoming Dominant (part 1): the decision

I woke up one day and decided that I wanted to top. It was easy really.

If only that was true. For me it was a process. I had spent years as a somewhat bossy bottom, only enjoying kink when I was able to demand exactly what I wanted and direct my partners (and then I would get irrationally upset when it didn’t go like I wanted it to—basically I was a mess). Part of that was the interaction with being pre-transition. I desperately wanted to be treated ‘like a girl’ at least subconsciously (consciously, I would have given the same answer I do today: women can take any role and still be women, there’s no right or wrong way to have sex, do kink, or be awesome—did I mention that I was a mess?)

But it was also sudden. After I transitioned socially, I was in the middle of having sex with someone (shocker, I know) when I got all growly and possessive of her. I held her down and fucked her well. I bit her ear gently. I realized I wanted nothing more than to tie her up and leave bite marks down her sides. It was fun; I was shocked and horrified. Since I’m not actually a douche, I didn’t just bite her.

Afterward we discussed what “next time” could look like. Then I started getting scared of myself. I started thinking about what I wanted, what it meant for me, and why it was so difficult to say something like “I’d really like to tie you up and beat you.”

Oh, right. That is difficult. Especially when you’re such a nice, caring, and genuinely gentle person most of the time. I’m not trying to get rid of excess aggression, I don’t really have any (and what I used to have disappeared when I started taking spiro). I’m doing it to get to joy.

What does that say about me? I like making women cry out in pain so I can feel joy? What kind of monster am I? Ah, right, a sadist (also a masochist, but that’s a different story). A dominant. A top.

They like it. A lot. That makes a lot of difference. But I did retreat into myself a bit, especially after I realized that I wanted more than most of my girlfriends were okay with. When I realized how uncomfortable some of them were when I mentioned rope, never mind pain. (Apparently there’s a big jump from scarves and bedposts to rope bondage. I had no idea.)

One of the ways I’ve reconciled my natures (and it did take work on my part), is that I really do care about the happiness and well being of everyone who has bottomed to me. I love my girls. Each and every one. I think they know that. I also think they can see how much I love their reactions.

Plus, being so empathic makes aftercare easy.

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