My polyamory: relationship anarchy

I don't tell my partners who they should or shouldn't date or fuck. I expect the same courtesy. When I am giving someone time and attention, I focus on her (or them).

I love the feeling of having a relationship develop organically without feeling the need to protect an established relationship based on its perceived importance. I don't have a hierarchy of relationships, but some are closer to my heart than others—some will hurt more when they end.

I communicate compulsively. I share my emotional state, my level of attachment, how excited I am to be with her (for whichever value of her it is at the time). I love deeply and quickly.

I advocate safety over rules. I ask the hard questions and realize I may not like the answers. I talk about STIs and testing and make plans accordingly. I won't tell my partners who to fuck, but I expect to know if news testing or new procedures are required.

I need time alone. I don't want to be part of a poly family, especially if that means I'm going to be surrounded by three or six or twelve people I am expected to talk to when I feel like being alone. I need my space.

I don't want to get married. I've been married. Twice. I don't want to merge households. I don't want to feel like there's something outside of the relationship that is keeping us together. I love knowing that I am in a relationship with someone who wants to be there as much as I do. For some reason marriage make me feel like that's not necessarily the case. (And I say all of this knowing it's possible that I will change my mind in a year or ten. I'm fine with that.)

Rules are fine. I can work with rules, but I expect them to be equitable. And when they aren't (as is so often the case) I get testy.

Is this anarchy? Maybe. But it works for me. Even without conforming to a primary-secondary model, everyone I am involved with knows exactly how important she is to me. And if she's ever confused she can ask.

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