My (oddly specific) dating rules

  1. It's not a walk of shame, it's a victory lap.
  2. The lesbian sheep dance may actually refer to sheep, but humans do it too. Remember that someone has to take action and it might as well be you. After all, it's a lot less fun to sit around staring at your hands than it is to be kissing.
  3. Don't fuck any of your sibling's exes, especially if you aren't sure they're broken up.
  4. Don't date any of your sibling's exes (it's a different person—she deserves her own rule).
  5. For the love of fuck don't marry her.
  6. Don't date your friends' exes (if you can help it), especially if you are still living with your friend and she happens to be your ex who you have a fwb relationship with.
  7. Even more especially don't do it if your ex happens to spend more than 75% of her nights in your bed.
  8. Don't date your ex's exes, especially when you're spending your nights with your ex.
  9. Don't back down from that initial conversation where you start out by saying "what I'd really like is to have two or three girlfriends." Really, it isn't worth it.
  10. Just because someone is into you doesn't mean it's a good idea to get involved with them.
  11. When you're out with your SO and you are both checking out the same person, let her have a chance at least 50% of the time.
  12. If someone wants to change you, they don't actually love who you are.
  13. Don't date your underlings. Especially not one right after the other.
  14. If you do date coworkers or underlings, don't use the electrical closet to have sex.
  15. (or the pallets of birdseed.)
  16. (Or the wooded lot on your route.)
  17. (Or the server room.)
  18. Seriously, just stop dating coworkers.
  19. If someone is telling you that you need to get divorced, they probably are into you and you should sit them down (before you go after their best friend) and let them know if you aren't into them.
  20. Because I have no idea if someone is into me, there's only one thing to be done: ask her.
  21. Don't just insert yourself into your prospective romantic partner's life and assume she's getting the message.
  22. That girl who wants to be your new best friend? She's probably into you. Or she could just want to be friends. Ask her what's up. Even if she has a boyfriend.
  23. Don't date straight girls. Really. Especially not straight girls who are uncomfortable talking about sex.
  24. Don't try to sleep with all of your friends. Just because they're awesome doesn't mean they're awesome for you.
  25. If you're going to meet someone for the first time ever, make sure you do it at someplace other than her apartment.
  26. Do talk about sex. It weeds out the poor matches and sets the tone for communication.
  27. Do remember that they are each a special snowflake. Every one acts differently and they each should be appreciated for who they are, not who you want them to be.

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