She’s coming on so strong that I take a step back—into the wall. Not that I really want to get away, but I do enjoy her being hampered a bit. I suppose we’ll just have to see what happens next. I smile wide, laughing.
There's been a lot of discussion among my friends about this article on how to treat non-primary partners, and I realized a few things about my own relationship model and how it's changed.
If you follow my tumblr, you know that I value consent.
Wait. Let's take a moment and look at that. Nowhere in this world should that even have to be questioned. Everyone should value consent and seek to secure informed consent before doing anything that will impact another—whether we're talking about sex or kink. If I feel the need to preface my remarks like that, our society is broken.
Enough of the rant. The point I was trying to get to is that there are things that everyone can agree are fine so long as the people involved are consenting adults: spankings, light bondage, blindfolds, sensation play, love bites… you get the idea. These are the things that come up in conversations about "spicing things up" in the bedroom.
Then there's what I do. I push limits. I like to see blood and play with it (there's a name for that). I enjoy causing pain for its own sake—real pain (there's a word for that, too). I like tears (guess what?) and sobbing. I enjoy seeing my playmates broken—and having them know how much I care about them and love them.
But it's not abuse—if not from a legal perspective, at least from my perspective (and the perspective of anyone I'm playing with). My partners know what they're getting into, they know the risks—and they've said they want it. I'm not going on guesswork or making assumptions about what I think they'd love. I'm not deciding everything for them even if it is that kind of relationship—we've talked about hard limits and soft limits, we play with safewords.
Consent is why I don't do kink with people who can't tell me exactly what they want at least once, in enough detail that I know where their limits are.
So if you're a top (because this is much less of an issue for bottoms), consider the position you're putting your bottom in. If you're hitting that emotional point where they are breaking, they are not able to make decisions anymore. If their body is flooded with endorphins, there's no way you should be pushing past a hard limit or doing something that wasn't negotiated.
I'm all for edge play, but keep it respectful—your partners are people, too.
I gently lower Kitty’s bound body into the corner, sitting her up against the wall so she has a clear view of the bed. I pet her head and let her kiss my hand. She doesn’t really know what’s coming next.
“Enjoy the show, pet.”
I stretch my fingers out around her throat. I’m not tightening my grip, just giving her a hint of pressure. Her whole body trembles as she stands there, naked with her feet apart slightly, her hands clenched at her sides.
Remember my post about costumes?
I've completely changed my mind. I want to dress up as a goddess and be worshiped.
Let's start with this:
It's that time of year again when all the kids (and many adults) dress up in costumes. It's fun and it's magical. We get to be someone else for the day.
For the last few years—since my last marriage started falling apart completely—I have been in relationships with a few women.
For some definition of 'few' that is between six and a dozen.
You might have the impression from my essay on fears that I embrace the things that scare me most in relationships. I try to. It saves me so much grief down the road.
I do my best to tackle the difficult conversations as soon as I am sure I probably need to. For instance, there are the conversations with people who are crushing on me where I tell them "you're nice" and "I don't think it would be a good idea," "I don't feel the same way," or "I'm not into guys." Those are pretty routine at this point (it's hard to believe that a few years ago I had no experience with turning anyone down).
Other times the outcome matters more. I really want them to still like me and continue in whatever relationship we have—or move on to bigger and better things with me. Maybe I'm asking someone to move in with me, or to start a relationship, or talking about concerns in a relationship. Maybe I'm telling her that I react by feeling hurt by what she's doing and we need to talk about what's going on. The point is, these are the conversations that grow relationships. These are the ones that allow it to keep going as a healthy relationship and not a spiral of misunderstandings and fears. Without the important, difficult conversations—and regular check-ins—it's hard to gauge how a relationship is going—even if the sex is amazing.
I run to the big, bad, scary conversations because that's the only way to keep going toward the wonderful ones.
Today I had a brief jealousy flail.
It happens to all of us. Someone we want to spend time with makes other plans. For me, it happens most when I expect to have time with one of my girlfriends and she's not available.
